In any relationship, whether in marriage, family, business, or friendship, it is important to establish solid and straightforward means of communication. That is obvious, but easier said than done.
How often have you encountered difficult circumstances that were hard to talk about with another person? Perhaps you ended up having an argument, or maybe you decided just not to say anything. Either way, the outcome was unsatisfactory. Neither party understood the other, the relationship became more strained, and the issue was not fully resoved.
The dilemma is controlling the emotions that get in the way of true communication. Many of us tend to let our feelings about a problem fester inside until we explode in an emotional outburst that just makes things worse. This miscommunication creates a personal, relational, and psychological mess.
Fortunately there are ways to overcome our emotional tendencies and establish channels for genuine understanding and problem solving. Here are some ideas that have been clinically validated and may help you greatly improve your relationships.
First, you and the other person should agree to discuss your feelings and opinions openly, respectfully, and without judgment. This agreement is best made at an early stage in the relationship before any serious disagreements occur, but it can be done later if both parties are willing to make amends. This arrangement will make it easier for you to see each other’s perspective and create a positive atmosphere for discussion.
Once this environment of trust and constructive interaction has been established, you can begin to use a communication process known as LTRR.
LTRR stands for LISTEN – THINK – REFRAME – RESPOND. Here’s how it works:
LISTEN: Too often we hear what is said but we are listening to respond rather than listening to understand. If we hear something we disagree with, we start formulating our negative response even before the other person has finished speaking. Worse still, we might interrupt with a conversation-killing negative comment.
Instead, we need to focus our attention on what is said and refrain from making any judgments. Listen to every word and try to understand the full context.
THINK: After the other person has finished speaking, mentally evaluate what was said. If you don’t fully understand, ask for clarification.
Try to see the issue from the other person’s point of view. What strengths weaknesses do you see in that perspective? How does this match or contrast with your own values and frame of mind?
REFRAME: Consider your negative thoughts about what was said. Ask yourself why you disagree. Is it a simple difference of opinion, or is there a moral issue involved? Could the other person’s perspective actually be better than mine? Is there a possible compromise that would benefit both parties? What might I say to help the other person better understand my perspective?
RESPOND: Only after you have completed the previous steps is it time to respond. A response is not a reaction. A response has thought and reason behind it. Think about what you want to say and how to say it in a clear and non-belligerent manner. Then share your answer. A sincere smile may help a lot at this point.
Some people find it helpful to employ a seven-second rule. If the other person’s comments indicate an unfamiliar or displeasing perspective, take 7 seconds to go through the LTTR process before responding. At first you may have to consciously remind yourself of the steps: Listen, Think, Reframe, Respond. After awhile it will come naturally. This 7-second pause gives you time to come up with a measured response and it also lets the other person know you really heard what was said and are thinking about it.
If you are having communication problems with someone you care about, give the LTTR method a try. It just might repair your relationship or start a productive new one.
